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If Cooking Shows Were More Like Real Life
Rate it! Votes (0) | Comments (0) By Kellie Head and Loretta Casteen Posted August 6th, 2007

Announcement: I am hereby swearing off watching cooking programs on television until they finally start making them reflect what life is really like in the average kitchen. I mean, really, when was the last time you stood in a spotless, perfectly appointed, beautifully decorated kitchen in full make-up and designer clothing cheerfully whipping up a crème brulée for your hungry family? That's what I thought. Me either. So until the producers start showing the host accidentally dumping an entire lasagna on the floor or fanning smoke out of the kitchen with a hand towel because she burned the cookies, I refuse to watch anymore.

It would be really easy to show life in a typical kitchen. All the producers would have to do is actually visit one. I?ll bet in one half-hour there are quite a few things a ?real-life? cooking program could show.

First, the host's mother-in-law would slip into the shot, taste the sauce, wrinkle her nose and quickly add oregano and garlic. Next, we'd see the host frantically digging through drawers and cupboards as she searches for the beaters to the mixer. She would slip out of frame and return in triumph, explaining she found them in her daughter's kitchen play center.

While the host is demonstrating how to perfectly core an apple, a surly teenager would be sulking in the background, rolling her eyes and drumming her fingers on the counter while waiting for a ride to the mall.

As the host is applying the finishing touches to a platter of gorgeous asparagus and mushroom crepes, a young boy would rush in; take one look and say, "E-e-e-w-w-w! I'm not eating that! Can I eat over at Tommy's? They're having tater tots!"

While the host's attention is elsewhere, viewers would see a small, chubby hand s-l-o-w-l-y rise from below the counter. It would feel around for a minute, and then drag a grubby finger through the cake icing.

When it's time for the host to get something out of the refrigerator, she would open it with a flourish-- revealing a large puddle of red fruit punch, some of it congealing on a shelf, but even more dribbling down the inside walls. While the host is mopping up the punch, the sauce would boil over, the cat would jump up on the counter and the phone and doorbell would ring simultaneously.

After 10 minutes of searching the host would shout, "Where are the white chocolate morsels?" A deep voice would call from the living room. "I ate 'em. Why? Were you saving them for something?"

Finally, a teenaged boy would bound into the kitchen. He would make himself four peanut butter sandwiches, inhale them, belch, then ask, "When's dinner gonna be ready? I'm starving!"

The closing shot would show the host taking deep, calming breaths. Maybe she'd even have a little eye-twitch thing happening. Through clenched teeth, she'd ask the viewing audience to please join her next time for another show. Closing credits would run over the sound of breaking glass and the host shouting, ?Don't move! You?ll cut your foot!?

Yeah, show me a cooking program like that and I'd watch again. Better yet, send a production team over to my house. They'd get an eyeful. They wouldn't get much to eat, but the visit is sure to be informative-- not to mention entertaining.

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